What Happened?

As I look back at my life and see everything I have done
I sit and wonder how did I get here?
How did I get to be this far?
Why didn’t I do all those stupid things I’ve wanted to do so badly?
I wonder what would have happened if I would of never met you
Would my life be great or would I be depressed all the time
Looking for that one person who makes my life complete
What would happen if I did things differently?
Would I even be alive today if I changed one thing?
How could I have gotten through all this pain and turmoil?
How did I get through the last 17 yrs?
Why did I make it?
Why didn’t I die when everybody told me I would?
Why am I not afraid of dying?
Did I really look forward to it or did it just seem like it?
Can I make it through anything that comes my way like they say?
We’ll just have to see

This is out of the blue I was sitting upstairs with Mikey last night and he was telling me all he remembered about me being sick. How he doesn’t hate me and really cares everytime they said I would die he would go and cry. How he doesn’t want to see me hurt anymore how he thought something almost killed me earlier this year and he is going to protect me the best he can from anything. I cant believe all the things he told me the stuff I cant remember about being sick. How everything effected him so badly he didn’t want to be around me afraid I wasn’t going to be there the next morning. Mikey I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be there for you through all that and that I couldn’t help you with anything anymore.

Heaven 9/11 this always makes me cry

It's been a year daddy
I really really miss you
Mommy says your safe now
In a beautiful place called heaven
We had your favorite dinner tonight
I ate it all up
Even though I don't like carrots
I learned how to swim this summer
I can even open my eyes
While I'm under water
Can't you see me?
I started kindergarten this year
I carry a picture of us
In my Blue's Clues lunchbox
You are the greatest daddy
I can swing on the swing by myself
Even though I miss you pushing me
Can't you see me?
I miss how you used to tickle me
Tickle my belly
My belly hurts
I try not to cry
Mommy says it's okay
I know you don't like it when I cry
You never wanted me to be sad
I try Daddy but it hurts
Is it true you're not coming home?
Maybe someday
I can visit you in heaven, okay?
It's time for me to go bed now
I sleep with the light on
Just in case you come home
And kiss me good night
I love you so much
I miss you Daddy

I would hate to be this little girl loosing her dad that way.... I dont know what I would do if i lost my dad..

I missed...

Things I missed the most while you were gone....
1)I missed the way you held me in your arms
2)I missed the way I felt safe and warms when you held me close
3)I missed our talks
4)I missed the felling that I was worth something to somebody
5)I missed when you told me I was beautiful and I believed it (I only believe it when I hear it from you)
6)I missed the way you looked at me
7)I missed forgetting about the rest of the world when you were around
8)I missed feeling loved all the time
9)I missed falling asleep in your arms
10)I missed the way you would tell me everything would be ok
11)I missed the way you made everything ok
12)I missed the way you would play with my hair and brush it out of my face
13)I missed the way you would watch tv and tell me to shush (don’t know why but I do)
14)I missed the way you would kiss my forehead hand and cheek
15)I missed watching you sleep
16)I missed our little arguments that you always won
17)I missed the way you’d wipe away my tears when I cried
18)I missed the way I wasn’t afraid when you were around
19)I missed the way I felt when you kissed me
20)I missed the way you kissed
21)I missed the way you would pick me up when you kissed me sometimes
22)I missed how you worried about me
23)I missed the way you could always make me smile
24)I missed the way I couldn’t stop smiling
25)I missed the way I felt with you in my arms
26) I missed the way you said I love you
27)I missed the way you would talk to me all night long on the phone while I was in the hospital (I don’t remember what I said but I know it was loopy)
28)I missed the way I told you to get some sleep every night
29)I missed the way you got mad
30)I missed the way you were shy at first
31)I missed the way you would pay more attention to the dog than me (it was cute)
32)I missed feeling important
33)I missed everything most of all I missed being yours…
I wrote this last night when I was tryin to sleep as you can see I couldnt...

When Why

Why can’t we get along anymore?
Everyday that passes I wonder what happened to us?
Why does it have to be like this?
When can I turn back time and make it the way it used to be
Does it even matter to you anymore that I don’t talk to you?
Do you even notice that I don’t call?
When did this happen I cant remember
I wish I could so I could change it back to normal
Change things so it is us again
I cant remember the last time we went for a drive down the back roads
Singing to the radio talking for hours no care in the world
What happened to all of that?
Remember when you were going really fast and close to the wheat growing,
I stuck my hand out the window to grab one of them like you said to it hurt
I know you cant forget that you laughed so hard at me didn’t think I’d do it
What is going on anymore? Why do I feel so lost?

Look at what you did

I used to be your little princess I could do nothing wrong
Though when I was ten you left us, left me
Left me alone with all these questions running through my mind
You never had answered them for me
Now you are with her and him
I tried to come to you but they wont let me
You wont stand up for yourself anymore
You never have time for me or the other kids only him
It doesn’t hurt your boys or me but it hurts your youngest two
If you do she takes it away she makes plans for you
Your 7 yr old calls another man Daddy
She knows what you did
Her last birthday you forgot
Every other one I reminded you
Christmas you got us each a $2 toy except the boys and the youngest
She feels you don’t love her I wonder why?
It doesn’t hurt your boys but it hurts your youngest two
If you do she takes it away she makes plans for you
Your 7 yr old calls another man Daddy
She knows what you did
Her last birthday you forgot
Every other one I reminded you
Christmas you got us each a $2 toy except the boys and the youngest
She feels you don’t love her I wonder why?
When was the last time you spent time with any of us?
When was the last time you were there for me than an hour when I was there?
Can you tell us?
I stay once in a great while but when I do your never there
When you are you are too busy for anything
When did she have control over your life? Your kids?
Why don’t you stand up for yourself? Stand up for your kids your blood?
Stand up for what's right sometime....
She isn’t our mother she doesn’t even like us
Do you hear how she bashes all of us?
How does that affect your youngest ones hearing her talk bad bout their brothers and sister?
When was the last time you stood up for yourself for us?
When was the last time it was just you and your kids?
I can’t remember
We live in three different houses and never see each other
Your youngest calls me crying asking when she will see her sisters
You let her mom take her into bars when she was a tiny baby
You did this to yourself to your kids to your family
Take a good look in the mirror what do you see?
I know what we see in you a jerk and man who says he loves us
A man who doesn’t mean a word he says
I see a wuss I see a man who used to be my dad
I see someone that isn’t the man I used to know
Take a good look at your kids what used to be your family
The one that’s torn apart because of you

This is about a guy I know its not really a poem but oh well

As soon as you walk through the door I try to hide
It never works ever
One touch from you scares me even one look
Your not supposed to be here
You got a wife and kids to go home to
You came over drunk the other night freaking me out
Touching my face and telling me I was pretty
You kept talking wouldn’t go away wouldn’t take your eyes off of me
Only one person can do that to me, your not him
I don’t want to be around you
I can’t help it though you find me
I can’t leave when your around
Its too cold out and I should be polite and try to start a conversation
You hug and try to tickle all of us
You don’t care if it bothers us
Alex enjoys it but she is little kid and thinks your just playing
The rest of the kids know better someway
You think I’m hot I’m not and I shouldn’t be to you
You think its hot when I bite Jen
You like when I have to sit on her lap because there is no room anywhere else
No you cant date my mom I told you that
You asked my permission I said no but you keep at it don’t you?
Your creepy you tell my mom things I would never say
You even went as far as to tell her I wanted you to be my dad
Guess what I have a dad I don’t like him at the moment
Though he is still my dad nobody can replace him
You need to learn when to quit
You told me you might be needing a place to sleep in January
Well you cant stay with us I’m not giving up my bed for you
I’m not sleeping in the same house as you
Mom wont let you sleep with her in her bed Alex sleeps there
If you choose to leave your wife because she doesn’t have a job that your problem
You only married her for her kids you told us
That’s not right
You want us to go camping with you and a ton of other kids
Your going to be the only adult there
I think not that’s really creepy and weird
I could ask you why your like this but you wont admit any of it
So just leave me and my family alone

Weeping Willow from the movie "My Girl"

Weeping willow with your tears running down, Why do you always weep and frown, Is it because he left you one day, Is it because he could not stay, On your branches he would swing, Do you long for the happiness that they would bring, He found shelter in your shade, He thought his laughter would never fade, Weeping willow stop your tears, There is something to calm your fears, You think death as if you forever part, But I know he'll always be in your heart.

some I did last year that i found in one of my projects

On the phone all alone listening to the dial tone
All night long trying to find out who I am
Broken pieces lying on the floor
How they got there I don’t know
Mirror is cracked 7 years of bad luck wont matter much
Life is a deep black hole we all get sucked into
Tomorrow is another day to hate all over again

The first time I met you
We were just friends
I didn’t see you for awhile
Then it came true i do love you
Now i can’t live a day without you
I need to have you in my life
I want to be your soul mate your true love and your wife,
I love you more
Then I’ve ever loved before
I would do anything to make you see
that you mean the world to me
the very first time I said I love you
I knew deep inside that it was true
From that point on I knew
that I was forever stuck with you
This is a promise
A promise to me and you
That we will always be by each other’s side
A promise to always stay true
to always stick together and never make one another cry
You are my boyfriend
but my best friend too
And this is why
I don’t ever want to lose you

Jeez I forgot about this one don't know if I want to call that mushy sappy or what I don’t even remember what day I wrote it and I would ramble about it but I don’t know how

Tomorrow is another day
This time I wont let it pass me by
Not this time
I’m done letting the world pass me by
I’m done letting myself go
I’m done dealing with all my problems
They can sit aside for a while
So I can live my life the way I want to
The way I want my life to be
Not the way it has been
Wallowing in myself
Trying to hide from the people of this world
Trying to keep myself from pain and hurt
It never works anymore
I used to be able to shut myself down
I cant now I wont
Everybody needs to see me for me
Not who I was or who they want me to be anymore
This is my life not theirs
I have no idea what this is about i just was thinking about what I want for myself

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed many times along the path of life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, You said that once I decide to follow you you'd walk with me all the way but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I need You most You would leave me."
The Lord replied,"My son, My precious child, I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Srry ppl I had to put this one on

Things I wont tell you #1

1.I wont tell you that I am never hungry anymore
2.I wont tell you that I don’t feel like doing anything anymore
3.I wont tell you that I have no reason to live
4.I wont tell you that I am afriad to be myself
5.I wont tell you that I dont know who I am anymore
6.I wont tell you that I’m afraid to sleep
7.I wont tell you that I’m afraid of my dreams
8.I wont tell you that if I do sleep I don’t want to wake up
9.I wont tell you that I probably need help (at least that’s what everyone says)
10.I wont tell you that I have nobody to talk to here
11.I wont tell you that Andrew, Josh and Jeff are the only people I feel I have left
12.I wont tell you that I feel I don’t belong
13.I wont tell you that I feel your not around
14.I wont tell you that I don’t feel like part of the family
15.I wont tell you that I am living in my own world in my head
16.I wont tell you that I don’t want to be in the real world
17.I wont tell you that the real world scares me and is cruel and evil
18.I wont tell you that I cry all the time it’s not dust
19.I wont tell you that I feel lost
20.I wont tell you that I shutdown my feelings
21.I wont tell you that my smiles and laughs are all fake to make you happy
22.I wont tell you that I feel like maybe if I am gone nobody will have any problems
23.I wont tell you that I think you all will be better off without me
24.I wont tell you that my world in my head is the past when I was happy
25.I wont tell you that my sisters are the only reason I am living
26.I wont tell you anything anymore
27.I wont tell anybody
28.I wont tell you that there is no emotion in my eyes
29.I wont tell you that what you see is nothing
30.I wont tell you that everyone has hurt me in this world
31.I wont tell you because you don’t seem to care you never did
32.I wont tell you because none of this matters
33.I wont tell you because your too busy
34.I wont tell you because even dad is too busy for me
35.I wont tell you because I hate this life
36.I wont tell you that I thrive of pain
37.I wont tell you that I am afraid of what being happy might bring
38.I wont tell you that all being happy does is bring pain and sorrow
39.I wont tell you that I used to love nature now I hate its beauty
40.I wont tell you that the beauty it has laughs at me
41.I wont tell you that I wish I was far away from this place
42.I wont tell you that I like blood I like seeing it on my hands
43.I wont tell you that blood makes me feel good happy excited and its like a rush
44.I wont tell you that all people are cruel and evil
45.I wont tell you that I never thought you would desert me
46.I wont tell you that once I used to tell you I love you and meant it
47.I wont tell you that I’m not sure what love is anymore
48.I wont tell you that I think love only leads to pain sorrow anger and frustration
49.I wont tell you that I don’t belong here I never have
50.I wont tell you all of this ever you will never know

Forever with you

This is something I wrote last New Year’s day for some reason I found it again in a box full of notes and letters I wrote but never gave out. (which of course I burned now)

Finally I have found you
You, you’re the one I have been looking for all my life
Never thought life could be this good
I am falling fast for you faster than any other person I could of fallen for
But don’t stop me or catch me this time I want to fall
Fall further into your love
I want to be able to look into your eyes forever
I want to be in your arms for all eternity
I found the one I want to be with for the rest of my life
You are the one I want to have a family with share my dreams and hopes with
You are the one I want to wake up to every morning
I know it has only been 4 months but it feels like I have known you forever
I can’t remember life without you
I don’t know how far you have fallen right now
I don’t even know if you want to fall
All I know is I am with you right now and I never want that to change
I want us, want us to be perfect forever

Love, me

How I feel

the days go by I slowly grow colder
Most people don’t even notice I don’t care anymore
It’s like I’m not even there
Sometimes it seems that I should just fade away
Different things I have done in my life never even mattered
Does anything matter anymore?
Do I matter?
Is my life just one of those meaningless things to people?
Was it my fault that bad things always happen to the people I care about most?
Is it my fault that everything has gone wrong in my life that I forgot a lot of it
Someone told me a while back to never give up on life because he wasn’t allowed to
Well sorry I did so now you can too if you still want to
Feels like the world is crumbling around me
I know it’s not my fault but it feels like it
My family seems to blame 9 out 10 things going wrong on me
They get a call from someone saying your child is in trouble
First thing they ask is if it was me
It wasn’t because I was in my room all day doing nothing
You didn’t notice again but that’s ok I don’t care anymore

Remember? (KK)

Remember?
Memories of you keep flowing through my head
Everything I do reminds me of you
Remember when we all used to go to the park?
The fun we had just sitting on the spider talking for hours?
Remember all the times we sat between lawns talking about everything?
Right on that borderline between those two yards was our spot
Our spot to talk about anything and everything
Remember how I came to you when I met that guy who lived next door to you?
I asked you all about him everything you knew about him and his family
Remember when you caught us rollerblading in the summer nights?
I know you saw us you never said anything
Remember how I tried to keep everything about me and him a secret from you?
You knew it all I didn’t need to tell you
Remember when I told you how much I liked him?
We wrote in nail polish a heart on my dresser
We wrote everybody’s name on that dresser with that finger nail polish
Remember the walks we used to take through the woods?
How much fun we had all the laughing made us cry
Remember the sand pit how we used to sit there and talk for hours?
Most of all do you remember when I got sick?
You were the only one after a while who would come and see me
I remember it all
I remember how you always were smiling and happy (ok not always but a lot)
I remember how you always knew the right words to say when I was down and crying
I remember all of us playing in the road or just hanging out in the road
I remember dancing in the rain the snowball fights and snow angels
I remember how you always played with Alex on the slide when I had her with me
I remember how much the whole block loved you and loved to be around you
I also remember that day when I came home from school and didn’t believe it
Didn’t believe you were gone you wouldn’t be coming back ever
I remember how the whole block died down after that died with you…
I remember how much I cried I remember…
Everything
Sometimes when I am walking back from school or down to the park I can hear you
I sometimes half expect you to jump out from behind the bushes and say gotcha!
I know it is never gonna happen but that and remembering everything helps
Helps me to smile when I am down or just haven’t smiled in a long time
I wont forget anything ever I will always remember

How this started

Right now in school I am supposed to do journals everyday for a credit. Those were going good for a while until I started writing all day because of all the stress and thoughts running through my mind. After a while I started trying to write journals but they turned into poems without me really realizing it. I told a few friends I might start this and I wasn’t going to until last night, my brother had been reading my poems and usually he criticizes everything I do. This time though he told me he really liked them that I should write a book (don’t think I will do that). He also asked me to write him a poem for his gf since he couldn’t think of the right words to say. That didn’t take me too long but I know it wasn’t one of my best I had 4 different people running through my head so it was a mixture of my feelings and what I saw in the pictures of my brother and his gf. So I decided to put them all up on here for now.

Short poems

You’re supposed to
You’re supposed to be there to help me through things
You’re supposed to let me learn from my own mistakes
Your not doing anything you’re supposed to
You’re not there for me
You say you are but how can you be if your not there to help me up when I fall?
Your not the to pick me up when I am down
You don’t comfort my fears or take away my tears
You’re not there when I need you
Only few people are there when I need them
My friends are the only ones who make me feel like they care
You don’t but you’re supposed to

Forgotten
As the days go slowly by I begin to cry
Cry because nothing will matter ever again
You don’t matter because I don’t matter to you
I never have mattered to you
None of these feelings that I had concerned you
Nothing I did was enough
Now I have lost it all everyone I care about
Everything has left me alone
Alone to be forgotten like the wind

Waiting
The days go slowly by sometimes
When I wait for you watching out the window
It takes forever yes I know your always late
Each time you come to se me it begins to get later and later
One of these days I know you will never show
That’s why I write this, this is for you
You're the one who let us slip away
Everything we had by making me wait

Love
Love will never fade away
No matter how hard you pray
Love will find you
If you let it go you cant forget
You can’t think about anything but them
Love wont let you forget or erase what you feel inside
Sometimes you wish it’d go away
You think it’ll make life easier
It won’t though it’ll make it worse
You cant live without love
Love can give you everything you’ll ever need in life
Yet it can take it all away
In a split second your life will change
Love does all of this and more

Myself

You tell me to be myself
Yet you wont let me
I am not a mixture of my friends like you think
I do not follow the fashions and trends
I will not be like you
I will not be more like Jason
I will not follow in anybody’s footsteps
I will make my own
You tell me to be myself but you stand in my way
Just let me be myself from now on so I know who I am not who you want me to be