OMG I cant belive what I used to feel like ...

I was looking back reading through everything I wrote while i was in school there today. I cant believe how much pain I was really in and how much I hid from everybody around me, or atleast tried. I'm not sure how I really got through all that and came here with Aaron really, all I know is that I am happier but yet alot of the pain I thought had gone away is still there. I never realized that today. I mean what really went on through out my whole life I blamed myself for even when I was sick or had my myathenia gravis, I know its not but there was alot of things I thought I had to do at that time of my life and I just couldnt. That poem I wrote and then talked about the night I spent with my brother Mikey brought alot of things back that I had forgotten about until today. I know life isn't always the way we want it to be but I wanted things to be atleast somewhat right in mine and for years that didn't happen. I probably will never get over those years completly but I'm trying my best. Right now my boss thinks I need therapy and make-up to make myself feel better. I kept telling her that I have never wore make up except a very few times on halloween and a couple times with Lauren. I never did like the way it felt like my face was being caked over to hide what i really looked like. Anyways back to what I was origanally talking about, I could probably write a million more poems or just paragraphs on what I felt like and how I feel now. It helps alot but I cant spend my whole life writing about what everything was like on the internet or in notebooks, thats not going to get me anywhere. I've always wondered what happened between me and my mom , why, how and when I stopped telling her i loved her and refused to give her hugs or do anything to showed that I cared. Why don't I do it still. I'll probably never know and never tell her I love her or anything like that until I get alot of things patched up in my family. I feel like thats my job to patch things up and protect my brothers and sisters from certain people I wont mention, when they are drunk or just plain get mad and beat them up or do other things that really hurt them. I feel bad that I am not there right now but my life has gotten better since I met Aaron and even more when I moved here to get away from Sparta. Sorry but I've always hated Sparta and the things that had gone around about me like if you touch me your going to ctach what I have when I had MG. Also the one where a few people I know had told one of the churches my brother used to go to before that I had died. I was always treated like I wasnt worth anything throughout my life in Sparta. Here nobody knows about my past or what I used to look like and I'm accepted for me and not some lie that was made up by my family to supposedly keep my friends and everyone I knew throughout elemantry and middle school. It didn't work at all and niether did the truth everybody was afriad to get close to me afriad I was going to die. Even my own family my dad and my brother not being close to me anymore is what hurt the most. Then the only friend I had left to talked to died and I had nobody left except for doctors who gave me fake smiles and said make the best of the time I had left because it wasnt going to be very long. When I had first gotten sick I had lost alot of my friends the only person who actually talked to me or came to visit was Jason. Until school started and even then when I did go to school half time or try full time in 7th thru 8th grade he would always talk to me a little bit, or go down in the elevator with me before lunch so i didnt have to wait alone for 15 minutes. Jeez I ramble alot when i really dont think about what I am typing at all. guess if I feel like rambling again I will later but its about time for me to go and start working again I hate my job. bye