OMG I cant wait to go back to sparta for a few days and see everybody again. I am spending one whole day in lacrosse and stealing my little sister kayla for the weekend and carting her and alex around saturday and sunday. I dont know what we are going to do first except take everything to dad's and go pick up the vehicle so we can probably go out to eat or somethin. and hey living off of fast food does not work too well for a diet but it tastes pretty damn good and damn i should be home getting some work done and everything but hey its all good i dk i'm just trying to keep myself on a computer so i can get email and shit done oh well lauren i need ur phone # send it to my email lilfreaksgurl@yahoo.com alright and kayla too love ya

Hey its just me. I'll be in town next thursday through sunday. I dont know if I will have time but I will try to stop in and see everyone around break on friday but I might not even be awake with how much i have been working it is 3 here right now and I just got up went to bed about7 this morning and i still havent finished working yet. I am a little sick with a cold but not too bad. I'm probably going to be at my dad's or my aunt shonda's all weekend but i'll call everyone who gave me thier number. but anyways not much else to say i got to get back to work and get ready for 55 people to stay tonight and figure out how to make breakfast for them all at 7 in the morning. oh well bye

hey guys i aint goona do anything special like pay attetntion to spelling or anything today i'm too tired. anyways i wil be up in april i wont be able to stop in at school cuz i will be there over the weekend then going to tennessee to see some friends then to goergia to go meet the rest of aarons family. but other than that i havent been doing much but working aaron has to have surgery on his knees and i have to get hip replacements already, cuz of the differance in my legs. i really dont want to because i'm too young to have to do that and, i finally got myself in perfect health and i intent on stayin that way as long as i can. i did get some poems started but didnt bring em here at all and, i got some drawing done too. well anyways i'll be up the weekend of the thirteenth if anyone wants to see me come find me at my moms house on saturday kayla u might have to ask tonya or lauren or sally if u want to find me or dustin. but ya nothin else going on here my hair is back to its normal color ( i think) i dk gtg luv ya all bye

well here are some pictures of me and aaron in flordia I would of put the one of him sleeping with a teddy bear but i dont think that would go over too well

hey

hey people whats up? ya i know right now i have been really busy lately and havent had time to type anything up. i probably could say alot of things right now but i'll get into one of my really long complaints bout the world again. everything is fine with me right now. got my blood done and my liver is fine and everything so lauren quit worrying and u too tonya and kayla. well aaron is still being a dork sometimes but thats normal and sooner or later he'll probably be typing in here too probably complaining bout me as much as he can. ya he's sitting here laughin at me and trying to tell me what to type and drinkin my coffee. he actually took a day off and is already complainin bout it and its not even 9 30 well your time 10 30 ours. i think me and him need a vacation we havent had a real day off since we got here it sucks. you know maybe i am going to get a well i dk now aaron lost me and is talking bout gettin a mansion we dont even have a damn car let alone anything else . i'm bout ready to hurt him or well we'll go with hurt i like that lol. lauren stop thinkin like that you pervert. well aaron has ofically lost his mind talking bout whack a mole and smacking me in the head ouch. i dk he is being wierd and i got nothin to talk bout been working too damn much and he wants his puter back. bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye ouch bye

dont know

Hey everyone I'm pretty bored right now and I should be working but decided to take a break. Nobody has been there for the past 2 nights so its been really quiet and well thats bout it for that. I havent been doing much except for tanning and reading but now I'm done with all the John saul books and have to find something else to read. I dont know when I will be back to Sparta anymore hopefully sometime in the summer. Maybe around butterfest then it wont be so hard to find everybody just walk around and I'll be found pretty easily. If not oh well Have what 3 days to find everyone? Thats if my little sister will let me go actually either of them. Not much else to say except that I doing great and everything is fine with me. havent been writing much here either but when I do start again I will get them put in here. bye

Valentines Day

Wow yesterday was really wierd I slept most of the day while Aaron worked all day he did come home for lunch so I knew he was eating lunch for once. Nothing out of the usaul he did come home late and thats normal too. Though spending $100 on me is not normal for him. I told him not to buy me anything at all. He came home had chocolate behind his back and told me I had to come with him. He had gotten me a dozen roses, a huge gorilla almost as big as me, a candle, the chocolates, and made us a steak dinner. That was a huge shock to me I'm used to buying my own stuff on valentines day, I was expecting a little bit but not $100 worth of stuff at all. I dont know but it was great had nobody else that i really had to take care of so we had the night to ourselves went for a walk and talked all night. It was great not at all what I was suspecting I didnt know what to do whether to laugh cry or what. I think I'm crazy.

OMG I cant belive what I used to feel like ...

I was looking back reading through everything I wrote while i was in school there today. I cant believe how much pain I was really in and how much I hid from everybody around me, or atleast tried. I'm not sure how I really got through all that and came here with Aaron really, all I know is that I am happier but yet alot of the pain I thought had gone away is still there. I never realized that today. I mean what really went on through out my whole life I blamed myself for even when I was sick or had my myathenia gravis, I know its not but there was alot of things I thought I had to do at that time of my life and I just couldnt. That poem I wrote and then talked about the night I spent with my brother Mikey brought alot of things back that I had forgotten about until today. I know life isn't always the way we want it to be but I wanted things to be atleast somewhat right in mine and for years that didn't happen. I probably will never get over those years completly but I'm trying my best. Right now my boss thinks I need therapy and make-up to make myself feel better. I kept telling her that I have never wore make up except a very few times on halloween and a couple times with Lauren. I never did like the way it felt like my face was being caked over to hide what i really looked like. Anyways back to what I was origanally talking about, I could probably write a million more poems or just paragraphs on what I felt like and how I feel now. It helps alot but I cant spend my whole life writing about what everything was like on the internet or in notebooks, thats not going to get me anywhere. I've always wondered what happened between me and my mom , why, how and when I stopped telling her i loved her and refused to give her hugs or do anything to showed that I cared. Why don't I do it still. I'll probably never know and never tell her I love her or anything like that until I get alot of things patched up in my family. I feel like thats my job to patch things up and protect my brothers and sisters from certain people I wont mention, when they are drunk or just plain get mad and beat them up or do other things that really hurt them. I feel bad that I am not there right now but my life has gotten better since I met Aaron and even more when I moved here to get away from Sparta. Sorry but I've always hated Sparta and the things that had gone around about me like if you touch me your going to ctach what I have when I had MG. Also the one where a few people I know had told one of the churches my brother used to go to before that I had died. I was always treated like I wasnt worth anything throughout my life in Sparta. Here nobody knows about my past or what I used to look like and I'm accepted for me and not some lie that was made up by my family to supposedly keep my friends and everyone I knew throughout elemantry and middle school. It didn't work at all and niether did the truth everybody was afriad to get close to me afriad I was going to die. Even my own family my dad and my brother not being close to me anymore is what hurt the most. Then the only friend I had left to talked to died and I had nobody left except for doctors who gave me fake smiles and said make the best of the time I had left because it wasnt going to be very long. When I had first gotten sick I had lost alot of my friends the only person who actually talked to me or came to visit was Jason. Until school started and even then when I did go to school half time or try full time in 7th thru 8th grade he would always talk to me a little bit, or go down in the elevator with me before lunch so i didnt have to wait alone for 15 minutes. Jeez I ramble alot when i really dont think about what I am typing at all. guess if I feel like rambling again I will later but its about time for me to go and start working again I hate my job. bye

hey it's me again havent been much going on here at all. Just been really busy with guest and everything i have been doing great, had a cold but thats over i would say more but not much to say and if you want to email me my email is shayna000@hotmail.com lauren when you get home email me i got somethin to tell you that well cant say here really its too funny. Luv you all bye

Been a long time

First of all i have not dropped off the face of the earth like most may think. Second I would of stopped by and told everyone bye before i left for flordia like I was supposed to, but I ended up leaving at last minute notice because of all the problems I ran into and I'm really sorry especially to my friends Ms. Smith. Tracy and Steve. On the other hand though I am doing very well in my health now and I got a job that pays $10 a hr here havent made any new friends yet but that will come soon. I am now living with Aaron some of you may know him Lauren does I know that much. I also am working half time at a daycare/preschool just because its fun and gives me something to do when i am not at the library or working at the bed and breakfast. If anybody wants my number or adress just leave a comment and i will give it to you. I'm thinking i might just send the school a letter and tracy to let everyone know how I am doing that way also. Well got to get back to work miss you all bye. Shayna

fallen

Something I could never imagined could happen again has
I fell for you again
I told myself not to fall anymore
All it does is get your heart broke
Broke into billions of pieces
Pieces that will never fully mend ever
Why did I fall this time?
I told myself I only needed one person
One person in this world for me
Why can’t my heart listen to my mind?
Don’t let me hit rock bottom
Somebody catch me before I hit bottom
There are sharp edges on the rocks below
Edges that are so sharp you can’t imagine the pain
Don’t let me fall any further for you
Please

Sometimes in life you make mistakes you cant fix
Ones so big you can never forget them
Can’t get them off your mind ever, thinking about them all the time
Life is a game you play sometimes you need to go back a few spaces
For the mistakes you make you have a price to pay
Little or small prices come in all shapes and sizes
Mistakes are made all the time we are only human
The ones you can’t forget will haunt you forever
Though you will realize how to fix them later in life
You can not turn back the hands of time to fix them
Don’t live in the past
Living in the past doesn’t do anything but keep you from enjoying the present
You can’t live in both worlds

Long ago I thought I knew everything there was to know about you
Now I realize that we were both wrong
So much we never knew
We only knew a few things for sure
True love was there, love we said was all that mattered
Spending forever together is something we still want
Right now with the paths we have taken it seems very doubtful
We have grown apart so much
We know it may never be
It hurts so much inside to know your not here with me
To know we may never be together again

A place in the stars that’s what you want
The highest place you can imagine
You want to make your bed in the clouds
A pony with wings that sparkle in the sun
One that will fly you around the world and never let you fall or be afraid
Treated like a queen in life would be great
Marry Prince Charming when your 21
Have twins at 25 a girl and a boy
A big yard to keep all your pets and a swimming pool in back
That’s what you want
You can have all that and more
Your just a little girl right now
Don’t worry about life
Play, dance, live, laugh, but most importantly have fun
Little girl with short brown hair and big hazel eyes
Don’t worry about what is on wrestling watch cartoons
Make a snowman in the winter, swim in the summer
Dance in the light falling rain in the springs
Play in the mud , get dirty
Be a little girl

I wish I would of told you everything when I had the chance
I never told you I loved you more than anything as much as I should of
I never told you I needed you more than anything all the time
I never told you that you mean the world to me even now
You’ll neve know how much pain you put me through it’ll never go away
Everything you have put me through and have done to me
Will haunt me for the rest of my life
Dreams of you haunt my dreams each night
I wake up screaming out your name and crying in the middle of the night
I will never get you off my mind or out of my heart
I can never erase the memories of you and me
Never for the rest of my life your love and memory will haunt me

Someday you’ll realize the mistakes you’ve made
The times you yelled and screamed at her
The littlest mistakes set you off
A few times you have hit her
Took away all her friends
But most of all you took away her soul
Yes you could be the sweetest and most loving guy in the world
That never last more than a day or two at a time
She stayed with you out of love and fear
She realized what you had become was a monster
A monster she could not live with forever
When she left you cried, cried for days on end
Trying to figure out what you did so wrong to make her leave
All you can do is think of her 24/7
Someday you’ll see your mistakes

Forever and always is what you promised
You promised me the world just like all the others
I thought this time would be different
I guess I was wrong to believe you
I was wrong to believe all the others too
Wrong to believe that you could make me happy
I should of never let my eyes and mind get in the way of my heart
Only two guys have ever made me truly happy
You just made me empty promises
Never did anything for me
I did everything for you
My world revolved around you
You broke my heart again
You left me crying in the pouring rain
Walked away and never turned back

As the shadows close in on me
I watch the cars pass by through the glass
How many time will you leave me here?
When will you come back?
Why won't you stay here with me?
Am I that bad of a person that you can't stay with me
Stay while they talk to me and put needles in me
While they monitor my every move?
Ok then you do that you leave me here
Just like last time I have gotten used to it
I don't need you anymore
I never have needed you since that day
They day you told everybody you didn't want me
You didn't want me home anymore they could keep me

You stand there taking my hand and tell me you love me
Yet you are making me choose between my friends and you
How can you do that to me if you love me?
I should of known anyways you did the same thing to my sister
We thought you had changed I guess not
We were wrong to believe you had
For you she gave up everything even me
I'm not like her I wont give up everything I love for you
I will give up you I am not leaving my friends
I can't loose them I need them more than I need you
They have been there with me through everything
You dont know me even yet
Don't try to kiss me when I am yelling at you
It won't work this time
I'm leaving
Leaving you for good

more

This time around I know you will be mine
Mine forever, I wont give you up
I tried to live without you before
I couldn't handle it as you have seen
You are everything to me
The only thing that matters to me
After I left you I cried for days
Cried until I had no tears left to cry
Ever since that day I just haven't been myself
I never knew who I was until I lost you
I know now that I am nothing without you
I wish I could be back with you right now
Right now I am going to have to deal with the pain
The pain that grows inside me more everyday
Everyday I dont see you makes it that much worse
Being without you right now hurts more than anything in the world
When can I take this pain away?
It hurts so bad to know that your not mine
I cry myself to sleep every night
Cry because I don't know if your thinking of me too
I don't know if you hurt this bad too
Your stonger than me in everything
How much longer must I wait
Wait to be happy again?
Your the only thing in this life that matters to me

As I see my reflection in the mirror
I see myself as a little child
A little child scared and alone
Scared because I saw the end
Alone because nobody loves me
I find myself drawing pretty pictures
Yet when I go to look for them they are broken
Broken pieces lying on the floor
How they broke I do not know
Playing with dolls is a escape for me
A escape from the world around me
Mommy and Dady fighting
People crying and dying
I shatter the mirror this time
Shatter it because I can't turn away any longer
Turn away from the pain it shows inside
The pain I hide inside, locked away
Locked away forever and throw away the key
I wish it could all be a dream
The blood, shattering glass, screaming and fighting....